In the spring of 2003 I started taking medicine for depression. It wasn’t a huge deal at first, I would have a day or two a month where I would feel overwhelmed and cry on and off all day. I called this “crashing”.
The medicine worked well, helped to even out my moods. I would only have problems when I neglected getting refills, desperately hoping that this time I wouldn’t need it anymore. That this time I would be okay and that I was no longer dependent on some drug to make me able to live my life. Then I would crash again.
I remember hitting my low point, where I was at work, staring at the computer screen, trying to figure out how many more hours I had to work until I had another sick day accrued.
I wondered what the hell was wrong with me, that I had a wonderful husband, perfect job (with great pay, coworkers, doing work I loved to do), financial stability, and I was still depressed. I was so depressed that I quit my job and my husband and I moved back to Blacksburg, Virginia.
When I think back on those times, it just feels so different from how it is now. I was blessed by God’s grace to stumble on Advantage Ranch, just a few miles from my home, and that the people there (and horses!) helped me learn to better control my mind, and the suffering I was causing myself. Three years ago I realized that this time, I no longer needed the medication.
This change was brought into stark relief as I mentioned in last week’s post, I fell back into that depression. For three weeks I struggled against the helpless feeling that brought me to tears in seconds and made me despair that I had broken and that I was going to have to go back on depression medicine.
But even from the depths of that hell I knew I had people that I could trust with anything and so I put my pain out there. I was able to put it out there because there was no judgment, because these women have made it their life’s work to make the barn a safe environment and because they could still see the beautiful person I am, even trapped as I was.
They helped me realize that I was caught in an immense trap made from the guilt I feel over my cat’s coming surgery. A feeling that my mind had buried to where I couldn’t see it, but it could torture me. And as soon as I knew where the pain was coming from, I cried for maybe a minute, and then I was fine.
I went from wanting to bury myself in a dark corner to being back to normal in minutes. Now, I admit, it took me years of work prior to this, to get to the point where I knew myself well enough and I trusted the people enough for the change to come that easily. Even in this case it took me two weeks to realize something was actually *wrong*.
But it was a reminder of what my life had been like, and how different it is now. For a while I actually doubted that what I had gone through was depression. I never struggled with suicidal thoughts, I only had certain days that I was depressed enough to crash, and even the fact that I was eventually able to come off the depression medicine made me think perhaps I had never been that bad.
I was wrong. I was depressed. There was no ‘faking happy’ in that place. There was only my mind turning me against everything that was good in my life. My mind, but not my soul.
I’m left wishing there was some way for me to let everyone who suffers from depression know that you’re not broken. You haven’t failed. And yes, there are people out there who can function without medication; and there are people who can’t. That is a statement of fact and nothing more.
I was able to better control my mind, and thus my depression, with a combination of the Landmark Curriculum for Living, Ashtanga Yoga, and coaching from the facilitators of Advantage Ranch (who I am lucky enough to call friends) over a period of three years. It is not a quick fix, and the study is ongoing, but I am convinced it is worth it and that anyone can do it.
Sorry for this interlude, I am back to writing. There will be an update next week.
